changes

have you ever felt like your life is changing right in front of you? like you are watching through the door or window. seeing things changing without you even making a move. thats where i am. its such a weird feeling. for a change {no pun intended lol} i am not scared. the next 6 months my world is going to flip upside down and for once i think, well know i am going to be ok. i just know that i have to follow my heart and soul in everything i do, every choice i make, and everybody i choose to keep in my life. idk.. loss for words. another blog soon to continue...

....going against the current

just feel so lonely tonight. a lot going through my mind. a lot has happened in the past 3 and a half hours. the song red by taylor swift rings through my brain. word for word is how i feel right now. idk. just tonight brought back too many memories that were long gone. had been gone for awhile. didnt even think they still existed. idk... they can't exist its not possible. need to put them back out to see for good. where i thought they were. just urrgghh idk...just wish i had someone to talk to, to pour my heart out too. idk just out of it. off to bed here shortly. back to the work thing in the am. wish i could take a long vacation by myself...

Numb...

sooooo i don't even know where to begin. haven't wrote a new blog in forever. i feel numb at the moment. and there is no reason. the past 2 days i have stayed in my hole sleeping. and i have to be back at work in the morning. really don't wanna go back to work but i have no choice. i am trying to put into words how i am feeling right now. but i can't i feel numb. there is absolutely nothing running through my mind at the moment. have never felt like this in my life. kinda taken aback. made me tired and out of it.. guess i am going to bed. maybe tomorrow something will flow through this brain of mind. some emotion. laughter. something. i haven't laughed in 2 days. kinda sucks. i have never gone a day in my life without laughing. i need to feel something....

“Let-go means no competition, no struggle, no fight … just relaxing with existence, wherever it leads. Not trying to control your future, not trying to control consequences, but allowing them to happen … not even thinking about them. Let-go is in the present; consequences are tomorrow. And let-go is such a delightful experience, a total relaxation, a deep synchronicity with existence.”

Today has been interesting. Kinda blubber. Tired after working 2 - 16 hour days in a row. my brain literally was starting to shut down on me. and it still kind of is after a 5 hour nap... just trying to be still and just having faith. got in a huge knockout drag out with a friend. well so called friend. idk if he still is after all that plus the past 2 weeks. he just hurt me with how he has been treating me. i just feel so abandoned and lied to. i gave out my trust and just put my whole heart into. only to end up being something else. something i didn't want to happen. even if things didn't work out in a relationship i still wanted him as a friend.. maybe that can still happen.. it makes me just hate relationships and getting to know people all together. just because i put my whole heart and soul into everything i say and do..   i just guess i need to let go. let go of all of that craziness and let go of life in general. it seems like i should be relieved but i am scared as shit. its like i am jumping off the deep end or off of a pier with out knowing what lies below, how deep it is. guess thats how i know that its all in gods hands. that whatever lies below, it will be ok.  during all of that crazy conversation, opened my bible to find 2corinthians. "that is why we never give u. though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troublesare small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see now, rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever".

ahh just gotta focus on that and everything will fall into place. :) off to bed.

hmmm...

Today has been quite interesting. At ease and assured with everything. Haven't watched tv at all. The facebook thing is kind of tough. (failing a little at that one), no music other than praise and worship. It really has been a great day for working 16 hours. Just staying still and not focusing on any one thought or thing in particular. I have come to the realization that my calling is not where i was trying to place it or trying to narrow it down to.. I don't know what my calling is going to be. I know it has something to do with children. One thing I do know is that it is going to be huge. I am excited as God prepares me for it. It may be tomorrow, next week, next year or 5 years from now. Who knows. I just  am going to wait on him to tell me my next move. :) ...... an interesting thing happened to me today though. Most of you may not know my job or what I do at work. I am a housekeeper at the hospital. I usually clean patient rooms when they are discharged. Or I fill in and do an area where you clean the area along with cleaning the patient room while the patient is in there. Usually the patients are very quiet, hardly talk. Today I was cleaning a patient room and this lady started talking about her pain and everything she was going through and her worries. She said something about the Lord. I am not sure what it was. God  knudged me to, I guess it was witnessing looking back on it, talk to her. I was able to give her some words of encouragement about God and his healing and how if he brings us to it he will bring us through it. Well she said that the only way to get better was to ask for prayer. That she thought it was always silly for people to ask for prayer. I asked her if she would like me to pray for her, being knudged again. I was able to say a prayer for her and make her smile. When I was younger I would have been like no way, thats crazy. Why would I do that. And not listen to that knudge. After today and listening to that knudge I felt a warmth within my heart. Just knowing that my words and encouragement helped her to have a little more ease and remind her of what she already knew. I look forward to more knudges. Sounds silly but I think that, that is what makes us grow as a person in Christ and in ourselves.

Hey! Sooo I have decided to start a 30 day cleanse. Just have been hitting a brick wall so to say here lately... I have no clue about my future. Life in general really. Feeling kinda empty here lately. I just want a full happy life. People see me as sooooooo put together, and strong. Also that I have it all figured out. Yes I do for the most part. I have a good head on my shoulders due to my parents, my mom and my experiences growing up and circumstances. I have been through a lot of shit growing up. not a whole lot of people know about it. A kid should never have to go through it. but like i always say everything happens for a reason. God has brought me through it all for a reason. Maybe for this blog so that someone may read this and have hope that things will get better i don't know. only time will tell. but until then I just am struggling. I want to be 150 % happy with my life, who i am, my relationship with jesus and a million other things. with this 30 day cleanse and focusing on God. Its going to be me, my bible, jesus, this blog and worship music. With that said. I opened my bible and looked only to see a notecard fall out. I must have written it wayyyy back when. idk and i really dont remember,,, it said.. Look to him. He is going to give you the answers you need to succeed" LIKE WHOA!

thhheennn flipping through i came to having faith as small as a mustard seed. LIKE DOUBLE WHOA...

Annd then... (you may think i am making this up, but i am not. if you know me then you will know that i do not lie.) then i get to this bible passage it wasn't marked. i sure marked it after i read it.

It was Psalm 40:1-3. It reads:
I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despairm out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord...  TRIPPLE WHOA.

4th whoa. idk got into my car to move it so my roommate could park beside me, the radio turned on. of course country, 93.1 the wolf. Hunter Hayes Storm Warning. As though God was saying I giving you a heads up, a storm warning because this journey you are about to embark on is gonna be a storm and it is going to flip your world upside down. I am excited about this. I haven't felt inspired in long time. I need a change and I have a feeling this is going to be a HUGE change. Please say prayers for me. I just idk am very idk i can't place a finger on the words for it. thanks and God Bless.

<3 Crystal